Why all behaviour, good or bad, might be more self-serving than we’d like to admit.

By Peter James

Here’s a thought that might make you a little uncomfortable. All human behaviour is self-serving. Yes, all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly, the generous, the selfish and even the downright nasty. Before you decide that’s a terribly cynical view of humanity, hear me out. There is an interesting argument that almost everything we do serves some personal need, desire or purpose, even when our actions appear entirely selfless.

Think about the last time you did something nice for someone. Perhaps you helped a colleague meet a deadline, bought a friend lunch, volunteered your time or gave someone a well-deserved compliment. Why did you do it? You might say it was simply because you’re a nice person, and that may be perfectly true. But didn’t it also make you feel good? Perhaps you enjoyed helping, felt appreciated, strengthened a relationship or simply liked being the sort of person who does nice things. In other words, you got something out of it too. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

We tend to associate the term ‘self-serving’ with selfishness. We picture someone taking credit for another person’s work, manipulating a situation to their advantage or making sure they get the biggest slice of cake. But what if self-serving simply means that our behaviour satisfies something important to us? A generous person might gain enormous satisfaction from giving. A dedicated employee might take pride in doing excellent work. Someone who volunteers may find meaning and purpose in helping others. Even people who make extraordinary personal sacrifices may be acting in accordance with deeply held values that matter more to them than their own comfort or convenience. The fact that doing good can make us feel good doesn’t make the good deed any less genuine.

Perhaps the real distinction isn’t between self-serving and selfless behaviour, but between behaviour that benefits others and behaviour that comes at their expense. When we look at human behaviour this way, it becomes easier to understand why people sometimes do things that seem completely unreasonable to everyone around them.

Consider the manager who insists on controlling every little detail. We might describe them as a micromanager, but perhaps their behaviour gives them a sense of security or protects them from the fear of failure. The colleague who constantly interrupts may be seeking recognition or reassurance that their opinions matter. Someone who refuses to admit they’re wrong might be protecting their pride, while the person who avoids difficult conversations may be choosing the immediate comfort of avoiding conflict over the discomfort of addressing a problem. None of these behaviours is necessarily helpful, but each may be serving a purpose for the person involved.

Of course, people aren’t always aware of what drives their behaviour. We are remarkably good at finding respectable explanations for our actions, particularly when the real motivation is something we’d rather not acknowledge. We might convince ourselves that we’re avoiding a difficult conversation because we don’t want to upset someone, when in fact we’re protecting ourselves from an uncomfortable reaction. We might insist that we’re correcting a colleague because accuracy is important, when a little part of us simply enjoys being right. And yes, even genuinely harmful or malicious behaviour can serve someone’s desire for power, revenge, control or personal gain. Understanding those motivations doesn’t excuse the behaviour, but it can help explain it.

This brings us to an important principle in coaching and leadership. Behaviour that appears unreasonable to us may be meeting a very real need for the person doing it. Rather than immediately labelling someone as difficult, stubborn, arrogant or unmotivated, we can become curious about what might be driving them. What are they trying to achieve? What are they protecting? What do they need to feel valued, secure, successful or in control? We may discover that the supposedly difficult employee desperately wants to be respected, the controlling manager is afraid of making mistakes, or the quiet team member simply doesn’t want to look foolish in front of colleagues.

At Career Life Transitions, much of our coaching involves helping people better understand themselves and the people they work with. One of the most useful shifts is moving away from asking, ‘Why on earth would someone behave like that?’ and towards asking, ‘What might this person be getting out of behaving this way?’ It’s a subtle change, but a powerful one. It moves us away from judgement and towards curiosity. Importantly, it doesn’t mean assuming we know someone’s motives. Good coaching involves asking thoughtful questions, listening carefully and helping people recognise the motivations and assumptions that influence their own behaviour.

This understanding can make a significant difference to how we lead people. Imagine a workplace where managers genuinely understood what made each member of their team tick. One employee may thrive on recognition and appreciation, while another values independence and the freedom to make decisions. Someone else may be motivated by stability and security, while their colleague enjoys challenging assignments and opportunities to learn. All are pursuing something personally meaningful, and none is necessarily more or less committed than the others. Effective leaders recognise these differences and look for ways to align individual motivations with the objectives of the team and organisation. When people can satisfy their own needs while contributing to a shared goal, everybody benefits.

But perhaps the most interesting application of this idea is when we turn the spotlight on ourselves. It’s remarkably easy to identify self-serving behaviour in others and considerably harder to recognise it in our own actions. The next time you feel compelled to prove you’re right, win an argument, avoid a conversation, take control of a situation or even rush to someone’s rescue, consider what you might be getting out of it. Are you genuinely helping, or are you satisfying your own need to feel useful? Are you standing up for an important principle, or protecting your pride? Are you keeping the peace for someone else’s benefit, or simply avoiding discomfort? Sometimes the answers can be a little confronting, but that awareness is often where personal growth begins.

There is, of course, an important distinction between suggesting that our behaviour often serves our own needs and claiming that every single human action is motivated by self-interest. Philosophers and psychologists have debated that question for centuries, and it’s far from settled. Nevertheless, as a coaching perspective, the idea has considerable value. It encourages us to look beyond the behaviour itself and explore the needs, beliefs, fears and motivations that may be influencing it.

Ultimately, understanding why people behave the way they do gives us a much better chance of influencing behaviour constructively, building stronger relationships and creating workplaces where people want to contribute. We don’t need everyone to become completely selfless, nor should we expect people to abandon their own interests for the greater good. What matters is developing the self-awareness to recognise what drives us and the consideration to understand how our actions affect others.

Perhaps being self-serving isn’t the problem after all. The real question is whether we can get what we need while helping others get what they need too. And if doing something good for someone else happens to make you feel good about yourself, then surely that’s a win for everyone.

Career Life Transitions (CLT) – Helping people understand themselves, develop stronger relationships and become more effective leaders.